About A Boy – Video

I’m ridiculously bad at expressing myself to people face to face.

I stare at the floor.

I stumble over my words.

I rush to find the greatest thing to say, and end up making a complete fool of myself.

It’s just what I do.

This has hindered me on many levels.

MANY LEVELS.

I think I just get so nervous or anxious that I will be misunderstood, or that I will cause a conflict or confrontation, that I clam up. I literally can’t speak the words on my mind.

So, naturally, my preferred way of communication is NOT verbal. It’s text-based.

It is much easier, to me, to write what I’m thinking than speak it.

I can carefully consider my words, their implications, the way they roll together.

I’ve heard it called Word-smithing.

I prefer to consider it an art.

A creation.

That being said, I also am very protective of my work. I hate to let people see or hear me work. I think its because I definitely hate questions, and I will always feel that they are judging my accomplishments before I’ve finished them.

I hate rough drafts.

I hate sneak peaks.

It gives me a great deal of anxiety.

So, I work and work and work to put my thoughts and feelings and emotions into words and music. And I think a lot of what I have on my mind goes unsaid, because I never have a finished product.

There will never BE a finished product.

Life is dynamic, and people are too. We change to suit the ever-arcing ebb and flow of life.

Thoughts cease.

And entire wars are fought in our minds in the space of a few moments.

I am utterly incapable of capturing those moments.

But, I try.

The hardest things to share are the things I feel leave me raw, and unprotected.

But, its usually some of my best work.

So, here is my favorite song I have ever written.

About my inability to lay myself bare. About how protecting myself usually prevents me from what I really want.

It’s very rough. It’s very raw. It is loaded with technical and musical problems. But, this is me laying myself bare.

*~30-day blog challenge will continue at another date. Life took me and threw me around a bit.

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